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Dark Ridge Reporter June 2015 Edition

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Dark Ridge Reporter June 2015 Edition

Post by Admin on Wed Jun 10, 2015 5:37 pm

BREAKING NEWS! GASLINE EXPLOSION KILLS DOZENS

Federal, state and local authorities are on the scene investigating the cause of a natural gas pipeline explosion that forced over 100 families to evacuate their homes tonight and resulted in the deaths of dozens of homeless people in Oakland tonight (AA-16). Emergency management officials say that a gas rupture and leak occurred around 7:30 p.m followed shortly after by a massive explosion. Natural Gas filled the chambers of the old Subway tunnels and a source of ignition is still being investigated.

"It was like the bodies were blown to bits. They must have been camping in the old Subway tunnels." Said Lt. Foreman, one of the first responders to the scene. Authorities said one end of the ruptured line became a virtual flame-thrower, showering fire on the victims. "It incinerated everything in its path. I’ve never seen anything like this,” he added. “We’ve had some tragedies but this is the worst I’ve seen.”

So far totals around 135 people are in temporary shelters set up at local churches and firestations.

A team from the National Transportation Safety Board is on the scene.
Police are asking people to avoid travel in the Oakland district this evening until the stability of the roads can be determined.

Press debriefing to come. Stay tuned to WKDR for the latest on this investigation.


Man Punches Bear in the Face to Protect His Chihuahua
"Boom, I hit him hard"
We normally like to think of our dogs protecting us, but in this case, a man went to extreme lengths to protect his canine companion: he punched a bear that was trying to eat his Chihuahua.

Carl Moore, 73, saw a black bear trying to crawl into his yard and nab his little dog, Sergeant Gumdrop. Moore is a former boxer, and those fighting instincts kicked in. Moore punched the bear in the face and it ran away.

“The man or beast that I run from ain’t been born,” Moore said, “and its mama’s already dead.”

Police are unsure if this is the same bear that was involved in the notorious serial murder hunting club.  While the ringleader of the club, Clifford "Bubba" Walker had turned himself months ago, his pet bear, Honey, managed to evade capture.  If anyone sees a black bear in or around the city of Dark Ridge, please call (555) 346-1652.



Nude Man Tasered, Causing Him To Fall To His Death

An officer appears to have violated police department guidelines when he used a Taser stun gun on a naked, distraught man teetering on a building ledge, officials said Thursday.

Inman Morales, 35, was pronounced dead at a hospital after his nearly 10-foot fall Wednesday. Police said he suffered serious head trauma when he hit the sidewalk.

Officers had radioed for an inflatable bag as the incident unfolded, but it had not yet arrived at the scene when Morales fell.

"None of the ... officers on the scene were positioned to break his fall, nor did they devise a plan in advance to do so," said chief department spokesman Paul Browne.

The lieutenant who directed the use of the stun gun was put on administrative leave, and the officer who shocked Morales was placed on desk duty as the investigation continues. Their names were not released.

Witnesses and neighbors said Morales had become distraught and threatened to kill himself earlier in the day. When police arrived in response to a 911 call, he fled naked out the window of his third-floor apartment, clambered down to a ledge and began jabbing at officers with an 8-foot-long fluorescent light.

An amateur video posted on the Web site of the Dark Ridge Reporter shows one of the officers raising a stun gun at Morales, who freezes and topples over headfirst as the crowd screams.

The man's death renewed focus on the use of stun guns by the DRPD. Hundreds of city police sergeants began carrying Tasers on their belts this year after the department expanded use of the weapons. The pistol-shaped weapons fire barbs up to 35 feet and deliver 50,000-volt shocks to immobilize people.

Browne said guidelines specifically prohibit the use of stun guns when the subject may fall from an elevated surface.



Derelict Cargo Ship Discovered Off the Coast of North Carolina

The Oceana was discovered by fishermen early Wednesday evening.  Henry Fink, the owner of The Sea Wench, said that he and his crew were out fishing when they spotted the cargo ship.

"Something weren't right about that ship.  It was just sittin out there, not movin a lick.  Couldn't spot nobody on board neither.  When we couldn't get nobody to answer us on the radio, we called the Coast Guard." Fink said.

Maritime law enforcement agencies subsequently discovered signs of an incredibly violent struggle on board, but they were unable to locate any remaining signs of the crew.

It was later discovered that The Oceana had been on route to deliver cargo to the Dark Ridge Museum of Natural History, including the famous sarcophagus of Hatshepsut, a prominent female Pharo who reigned over Egypt for two decades.  

The Oceana had cease all radio contact three days ago.  Aside from a cracked container holding the sarcophagus and a stolen package, the police were unable to locate anything else of note.


57 LB Toad Captured After Eating Neighborhood Pets

For the past two weeks cats and dogs all around Dark Ridge have been going missing.
At first, authorities suspected the black bear that had been recently sighted as the reason for the pet disappearances.

But the real reason that was revealed only yesterday, has scientists scratching their heads in disbelief of what was caught.
The culprit – a giant Sonoran Desert Toad (Bufo Alvarius).



James Thorton had gone out to feed his dog, Doogie Schnauzer, when he witnessed an enormous toad devouring his pet.

"I was bringin little Doogie his breakfast when I heard a yelp, like the Doogsmeister was in trouble or somethin.  I ran around to his dog house and saw this ginormous toad chompin on poor little Doogsy.  At first, I was pretty upset, but I got over it pretty quick.  I mean, how many people can say they own a fifty pound toad?  How cool is that?"

Authorities believe that this 57 pound toad is responsible for the loss of at least 15 other pets.

The Sonoran Desert Toad is the largest native toad to North America to record, but does not typically get any larger than about 1.5 pounds and a length of 7.5 inches.

Scientists are still baffled as to the cause of the toad's enormous size.


CLASSIFIEDS/WANT ADS

1991 GEO TRACKER BATMOBILE

ONE OF A KIND CUSTOMIZE GEO TRACKER/ BATMOBILE. THE CAR HAS 125,328 ORIGINAL MILES.AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION, 4 WHEEL DRIVE , 4 CYCLINDER. CAR RUNS GREAT, EVERYTHING WORKS ON IT TOO.ROOF COMES OFF TO MAKE IT A CONVERTIBLE. MANY LED LIGHTS ON THE BACK OF IT. IT TOOK A LOT OF TIME AND MANPOWER TO CREATE THIS CAR, OVER A YEAR MAKING IT. COULD NEVER GET PAID ENOUGH FOR ALL THE TIME AND HARD WORK IT TOOK. ALSO, HAS GOOD TIRES AND CHROME MAG WHEELS. JUST VIEW THE PICTURES AND YOU'LL KNOW WHAT I MEAN. FEEL FREE TO CALL (555) 346-2533 WITH ANY QUESTIONS YOU HAVE. THANKS RON.




WANTED: SNAKE MILKER
Serious inquiries only, I need someone to come milk my rattlesnakes. I want to sell the venom to the hospital so they can make antidotes but I am too scared to milk them myself. Please help. 555-237-8764

IMCA registered unicorn mare

5 year old white unicorn mare, broke to ride, some trail experience. Friendly with humans and dogs, should be kept separate from horses because they get jealous. International Mythical Creatures Association registration parchment scroll on hand, can only be read under the light of a full moon so come on the 18th. Poops some glitter, mostly just poop though.
Serious inquiries only, please.  (555) 346-8762



Troll doll idol (zen as fug)

What's it like to be weightless? Rare opportunity to own a piece of meta history. Feel the rythym, feel the ride, lets get going it's Bobsledding time. Troll is approx 5ft tall by 3ft wide by 4ft deep. Troll is throwing a double shocker while wearing accesorizable cactus peace sign necklace, wear it to a party! Troll only attracts good vibes.
Will require a truck to pick up.



Dear young gay couple in 1993

You were sitting together on the curb near the entrance of Worlds of Fun. I was walking in with my church youth group. I was 17 and bigoted, taught that you were wrong and sinful. You were happy, sitting close, having fun, smooching a little, probably waiting for some friends. We walked in as a group, excited, adventurous, privileged. My friend pointed you out with a gasp of surprise and disgust. I looked over to see you together, relaxed and confident, and I said out loud, "Ewww gross."

I don't remember your reaction and I don't know if you heard me. As we walked away I felt a prick of shame. Outwardly I had acted as if it was you who should be ashamed, but for over 20 years it has been me who carries this shame. I'm writing this today to apologize for my behavior.

Dear young gay couple in 1993, I am so sorry. I am so sorry I treated you as second class citizens and ruined that sweet moment you were having. I want you to know that shortly after this youth group trip I entered college and my whole world changed. My learned bias and my belief in homosexuality as a sin was flipped upside down as I was exposed to new people and new ideas. I have walked away from the religion that taught me to hate. My life is now one of empowering and advocating for young people. 20 years later I carry my shame as a reminder to check my privilege. I consider myself an ally and I hope my advocacy over the years has righted some of my wrongs.

Wherever you are I hope you're each still sitting close with a loved one and living a wonderful life.

With a heartfelt apology,
A kid who learned the truth


Guy who chased purse snatcher - w4m

Hi....

You I hope you get this. Just after I was totally convinced there were few men left in this world, here I finally see one take action into his own hands.

And I won't lie to you, I liked it a lot and it was incredibly hot.

I was the girl in a corporate skirt, a skirt that was rather high, waiting at a bus stop and periodically checking my phone. I had seen you earlier walking around and truth be told, I didn't give you much thought. But don't read into that. I have the red storm in town this week and my job has been stressing me out a bit.

As I waited, suddenly I saw a man run up to an older woman sitting nearby, do a ninja-like cartwheel, and then grab her purse. She screamed and this is when you took note. You were walking right past me at this point and threw your coffee at the ground and tossed me your messenger bag.

'Not again,' you said. 'Not in my house, naw uh, no way.'

Following this decree you then ran after the man and yelled at him to stop.

'STOP ASSHOLE RIGHT NOW!'

And surprisingly, he did. Although he had a black mask on, he turned around and I could tell he stared you down. And lo and behold, he then started running towards you and yelling incoherently. You had paused by this point and remained in place, doing a few shadow kicks and punches to dissuade him as much as you could.

And finally, the moment I was waiting for; the conclusion. With him running toward you, you maneuvered yourself to execute a roundhouse kick, which if executed perfectly, would have kicked his head off completely. Trust me. I am from Cleveland and that's how it works.

As the moment of impact neared, I was hoping you would try to kick his head toward me. And then use that as an opening to ask for my number... So I kept close watch, believe you me.

'Suck on this criminal!' You said when twisting and readying your body to take him out. But unfortunately your foot hit a parking meter and he was able to just beat the shit out of you since he had the upper hand on the first move. He literally just kicked your ass, then took your wallet, and for some reason took your pants off as a form of psychological punishment.

You laid there in just a white button down and underpants and cried until the police showed up and put a blanket on you and gave you tea.

But I think it's cool that you at least tried to do something. And for that you get a date with me. My name is Tiffany. I have a cat, some ambiguous student loan debt, and I drive a Kia. Let's get some sushi and talk about society together.

Hope to hear from you....


Tiff

P.S. To make sure it's you, tell me where this went down. Be specific.



Naked dumpster diver - m4m

It was a magical experience if ever I've had one.
Walking up and down the back alleys looking for something, anything, to make me feel alive and I noticed some old thrown out adult DVD covers in the dumpster of a local store.
I couldn't believe my luck but knew that with the clothes on my back being my only possessions in the world that I couldn't risk soiling them.
I removed my exterior garments and jumped into the metal bin to begin digging for treasures of a masturbatory nature.
That's when I stood up and saw you there holding your trash bags. It was obvious that you weren't expecting me as you took out the daily trash from your work.
You were standing there looking perplexed yet intrigued and there I was wearing nothing but sneakers, standing in your dumpster while holding placards of all the dirtiest new adult DVD releases.
Oh it was a sight to behold. Your eyes meet mine and there was an awkward silence before you turned and walked the other way. I am sure you felt the same thing I did.
You were the porn store employee wearing the yellow shirt, I believe you are the manager. I was, of course, the naked 30 something with a few good teeth.
Please respond ASAP as my data on my obamaphone expires in two days.
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