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Dark Ridge Reporter - January 2015 edition

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Dark Ridge Reporter - January 2015 edition

Post by Admin on Thu Jan 08, 2015 3:13 pm

HEADLINE: Kristmas Killer’s Workshop unveiled!

The Dark Ridge Police has received an anonymous tip about shootings heard in a warehouse in Fairview District.  Upon entering the building they were shocked to find bodies of dead reindeer scattered around the floors. There was a workbench, green throne, and toys in the midst of being filled with human teeth.

Reinforcements were called and in other locked rooms, Police found the fallen victims of the Kristmas Killer’s crimes in one room, strapped in rusty metal chairs with their mouths forcefully pried open before left to bleed out or die from infection. The survivors were found in a different room, tied up like livestock, with their mouths filled with toothpaste, presumably to keep their teeth whitened for his sick hobby.

Surviving victims were dehydrated and incoherent by the time they were found. After a few hours of IV, most were able to describe their abduction from the local mall while Christmas shopping. During imprisonment, they heard a group of people but unable to discern the voices through the walls, followed by gunshots and galloping hooves. It was believed that a team of vigilantes were actively looking for the Killer and took him out before the New Year. The Kristmas Killer’s body was never found.

The dead reindeer were confirmed to be the same ones that were missing from the local zoo. Three other living reindeer were retrieved a few miles outside the warehouse and safely returned to captivity.

We can only hope for a more peaceful holiday to come or fear that a different group of sickos are now on the loose.



Dark Ride Memorial Hospital E.R. flooded with possible overdose patients

A nurse at the Dark Ridge Memorial hospital told reporters that the ER is bursting at the seams. There has been a large influx of overdose patients in the past few weeks. Every patient has similar symptoms; feeling drained of energy, weak shaky limbs, inability to breathe without labor, dehydration and a nearly unquenchable hunger. When blood tests were performed, every patient was suffering from symptoms of blood loss, though no source of the blood loss could be found.

“It must be some new street drug or something; I’ve never seen anything like this before. They called in the CDC and they said it’s not a disease, but they’re still investigating.” A nurse, who wished to remain anonymous, told reporters on Friday. “Whatever this stuff is, people aren’t talking about it. The patients we’ve seen have all been tight lipped about what it is and where they got it. I hope to high heaven my son never gets his hands on this stuff.”

As of Friday evening, 150 patients have been treated for similar symptoms. If anyone has any information police are urging you to call the Crime Stoppers line, you can leave the information anonymously.



Woman Admits To Grandma’s Body In Storage

If there’s anything Storage Wars has proven to us (the A&E series about hunters of storage locker auctions) it’s that you really never know what may be waiting inside for you to uncover.  This was certainly the case when Dark Ridge U-Storage manager Kevin McKeon, found a coffin inside of a 10×10 storage unit that was about to go to auction on account of having no payments since Dec. of last year. Inside was confirmed by authorities to be the body of Ann Bunch, whose corpse was lain peacefully amongst the family’s possessions since 1995! Yes, 17 years that granny has been waiting for her eternal resting place, which I’m sure did not include being wedged between an old couch and a box of collectable baseball cards.

When a family member called and told McKeon not to go enter the unit because of the body inside, he remained skeptical and put off checking it until a week later. The granddaughter, Rebecca Ann Francer, had called saying, “My mother told me on her death bed that Grandma is in the storage unit, and you can’t sell our stuff.” But the reality of the situation soon took hold as he discovered a blue casket that must have been laden with over a decade of dusty cobwebs. A tremble surely rose up inside of Kevin as he witnessed what he thought could not be real. His skepticism probably turned to horror at the sight of the casket and whatever smirk was on his face before entering the storage unit surely vanished.  Upon the return of his senses, he placed a call to the Dark Ridge Police Department with fingers that could’ve been shaking from the anxiety of seeing that the woman’s story was not only true, but far more sinister in nature.

When an emergency team arrived to access the situation, they opened the coffin to uncover a well preserved corpse, barely a hair or skin follicle missing from the excavated remains. Somehow, the conditions of the storage did not sully the body in almost two decades.

Some believe that possible financial struggles at the time could have kept the family from buying a plot, leaving them with little choice but to keep grandma safely stored away until a later date and prompted the continuous collection of Social Security funds. Others believe that it was Ann herself who wanted the arrangement as a means to avoid the expense, having had to raise her five children single-handedly since the disappearance of her husband.

Ann Bunch was previously a headmistress registered under the local Catholic Girls’ School, St. Maria in the 1950s. The school had a reputation of  educating the most privileged ladies in the south, but in recent years, that name has come to be associated with reformation of neglected unruly minors away from the camera’s eye.

This situation has one wondering what thousands of hidden mysteries are just waiting to be found in the dark recesses of forgotten places; what peculiarities want their story to be told. How many bodies could be put away unknowingly, possibly through malicious intent? It’s enough to give crime thriller novelists material to write for decades to come, and real life investigators enough work to last through the recession.

Ann’s body has since been relocated to A Tribute Life Funeral Home, a tribute well deserved after almost two decades of doing solitary in the confines of an abandoned storage unit. The granddaughter whose family secrets have leapt out in a most surprising an unfortunate way, can now officially grieve a grandmother whose skeleton is now out of the closet. Charges have not been filed against the surviving family members at this time as authorities continue to dig deeper into the investigation.



Start a New Holiday Tradition.

Start a new tradition with family and friends this holiday season, donate blood together and help save lives. It's a great way to take a break from the holiday rush, and give something that means something. Schedule your appointment to donate today.

You can make a difference this time of year by helping us prepare for, and maintain an adequate blood supply. Spread the word that donors are needed on social media using #GiveWithMeaning.

If you come to donate between December 24 and January 24, you'll receive a Red Cross holiday long-sleeve T-shirt, while supplies last!*
*Offer applicable to presenting donors December 24, 2014 – January 24, 2015, while supplies last.



Editorial: How Dreams Can Help You KEEP Your New Year's Resolutions

Have you ever made a New Year's resolution? If you're like most people, you have, despite the fact that deep down you know that you'll probably fail, just like you did last year and the year before, and the year before that.

Is there some secret to keeping a New Year's resolution? Is there some esoteric knowledge that only special people have? Or is it really just a simple matter of determination, willpower or mind over matter?

Well, as it happens, I do have a secret -- and it's an ability that you already have. In fact, you have always had it and always will -- your nightly dreams! That's right; your dreams can help you keep your New Year's resolutions.

At a subconscious level you know what is best for you -- what you should and shouldn't do. Your dreams are a direct link to your subconscious. Your dreams never lie and will always have your best interest and highest potential as a guiding force.

The first thing you'll need is a way to record your dreams. The ever faithful hand-written dream journal still works, but technology now offers new ways to keep a dream journal -- such as a voice recorder and dictation software, or a smartphone with a dream journal app.

Next, you should consider consulting your dreaming mind to be sure that you set a correct resolution -- something that is in alignment with your unconscious mind and waking life goals at this time in your life. Something that is healthy for your body, spirit and mind.

One way to do this would be to incubate a dream that will tell you what your resolution should be. If you've already made a resolution, incubate a dream that will confirm your resolution.

To Incubate a Dream, Follow These Steps:

1. Before going to sleep, put a pen and paper, a voice recorder or your smartphone with a dream journaling app on it, beside your bed.

2. Sit or lay quietly, and clear your mind for a moment or two.

3. Tell yourself that you want to make a change in this new year that will improve some aspect of waking life which may be physical, mental, or spiritual.

4. Tell yourself that you will have a dream, which you will remember, that will answer the question, "What issue or behavior should I resolve to change or improve in this coming year?" Use your own words and vernacular so that saying it feels natural to you.

5. Repeat it several times. You can even write it down or record it. "I will have a dream that I will remember that will tell me what issue or behavior I should resolve to change or improve in this coming year."

6. If you have trouble remembering your dreams, setting the intention to remember a dream a few nights in a row will usually be sufficient. In the morning when you first wake up, don't move and follow these steps:

7. When you wake up, lie completely still for a moment and try to recall what was just going through your mind. What image comes to mind? What were you doing or saying? Where were you? Try to remember as much as you can and then, before moving, go over it one more time.

8. Pick up your pen and paper (or turn on your recorder or smartphone) and note a few keywords. Then record the dream in the present tense. The keywords will help jog your memory as you're recording the dream.

9. Give the dream a title that captures the essence of the dream. You may be able to determine your correct resolution from the title alone. If not...

10. Look over the dream. Is there a specific message? For instance, did a deceased loved one advise you to take a walk? If not...

11. Look for a theme. What is it addressing -- a relationship, a health issue, a habit?

12. Look for something that changed in the dream. For example, it is sunny and then it changes to rain. Consider what you were doing when the change occurred. How might this change be reflecting some aspect of yourself or your waking life?

13. Look for a behavior that is in total opposition to how you normally behave in waking life. For instance, you apologize for making a mistake instead of making an excuse.

14. Make a resolution that is in alignment with the dream essence, message, theme, change or difference.

15. If you don't get a specific resolution the first night, try again. It may take a few nights, but you need to be sincere and take the same steps again.

16. If you did make a resolution, incubate a dream the following night that will confirm it.

Once you have made a resolution that is in alignment with your unconscious, you can use your dreams to help you stay on track and keep it. Before you go to bed each night, set the intention to have a dream that will show you where you are going wrong or that will affirm what you are doing right. You might consider writing down your daily activities before going to bed to "prime the pump" for your dreaming mind and reaffirm your determination to keep your resolution.

Your dreams will tell you when and where you might be going amiss -- and how to get back on track. Your dreams will never lead you astray -- once you learn to work with and interpret them. After recording your dream, look for the themes and patterns that your dreaming mind is addressing. If you are off track in keeping your resolution your dream will show you what you are doing wrong; or will provide a pat on the back to encourage you to continue on the right path.

Don't get discouraged if you slip up. Remember you are only human, and tomorrow is another day and another opportunity to get it right!


Classifieds:

Seekers of the truth
I invite you to seek the truth of past and future. Open your eyes to find the way.

Flying Carpet

To make a long story short, I inherited this from my dad when my folks retired, cleaned out the house and moved south. He was in the oil business for 45 years and traveled all over the world building oil refineries - India, China, Lima, Brazil, Yugoslavia, even got called out to Nigeria once during their civil war. There was no telling where he'd go or what he'd drag home.

One of my problems is that I'm almost a hundred pounds heavier than my dad. This carpet won't lift my weight. Mainly, I just want it out of the house. I don't have any use for it; it's taking up space; I spend a lot of time away from home and I wouldn't want to see any of the neighborhood children fall from a high altitude or run headlong into a tree and be injured.

Strictly speaking, no pilot's license is required because it falls under Part 103 of the Federal Aviation Regulations (14CFR103, ultralights) - it weighs less than 254 pounds, top speed is less than 55 miles per hour and all that. Even though pilot training isn't required, you might still want to learn a little bit about how airspace is allocated and carry an air traffic control radio. We lived pretty close to Chicago's Midway airport and it's almost a miracle my dad never got run over by a DC-9 or sucked into a jet engine.

Anyway, it's a vibrant shade of blue with a sort of Maltese Cross pattern woven in, quite sturdy (for a rug) and about four feet by six. It was professionally cleaned a couple of years ago and it's been stowed in a corner ever since.

No test flights, no demonstrations. It won't lift my weight, I've never seen anybody fly it safely, I'm not a flight instructor, I don't know how to evaluate whether a potential buyer knows what he's doing or not and I don't want to see someone crash in front of my house. If you weigh less than 180 pounds and know what you're doing, great, take it home and enjoy it. If not, maybe you should just put it on the floor in front of your hearth and enjoy it that way.
What you see is what you get. Cash & carry only. 555-865-1215

Wiccan Family Temple
Spirit invites you to join us to worship the great goddess in our new home. The Wiccan Family Temple is now accepting membership, and we greet thee with open and loving arms. Please call 555-756-5234 for more information.

Missed Connection: You may of been my true-love-prince!

I, was wearing purple polka-dotted crotchless panties, yellow fuzzy tap dancing shoes and rainbow knee-high socks with swirly peace signs. On my tits, I had disco pasties. I have sicc multi-colored dreads.
You, had a green goatee, and no pants. A cow patterned blazer, No shirt. Sicc tatts.
I saw you hula'n on the multi-colored flying dragon art-car as I was riding my TIGHT cruzer thru da sicc playa dust.
We made eye-contact and never saw each other again! Hope the universe brings us together. Namaste.

P.S. my name is Raven.
P.P.S We saw each other at a New Year’s party

Hunting Club
So you want to join a hunting club? The Crippled Coon wants you!
The Crippled Coon Dog Hunting Club is now accepting members for 2014/2015 Season!
Our club is a "Dog" Hunting Club in Dark Ridge, NC.

Calico Kittens: Free to good home

My daughter brought home a Calico cat a couple of months ago. It had kittens and we’re not in a position to be able to take care of them. If you’d like a free kitten, weaned as of this week, please call 555-785-1635

New Dawn Church of the Salvation: Come home to Jesus!

The New Dawn Church of the Salvation has a place for you! Come home to Jesus and revel in what it means to be one of god’s chosen. Join us for services on Monday and Wednesday evenings from 7pm-midnight. Sunday services are at 6-7am, 9-10am, 12-1pm, 3-4 pm and 7-8pm. Join the revival, rise up and be counted as one of God’s children!
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