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Dark Ridge Reporter - November Edition

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Dark Ridge Reporter - November Edition

Post by Admin on Sat Nov 08, 2014 3:27 pm

Elections Results are in! Results and Editorial upcoming in a special edition of the Dark Ridge Reporter.

Clown Gang Attack

Over the last month, police have received an alarming number of assault and battery charges by a gang dressed in Halloween masks, thick makeup and accessories in the late evenings. Alleged victims included visitors to the Red-light district; middle class third-shift workers and the homeless in around the downtown area. No connections have been made between the victims, the assaults appear to be random.

“Look at me!” A tearful Maria Sandoz cried as she waved her casted arms towards her swollen face and neck cast. “I was only supposed to be here for a night because my flight was delayed! Why would anyone do this to me?!” Maria Sandoz was only one of the 15 reported victims around Dark Ridge.

Just two weeks ago, 60 year-old Tommy Banks was attacked outside of the public library where he worked for the last four decades. “It was ten against one,” said Captain Maier of the Dark Ridge Police Department. The fatal fight happened around 10 p.m. where gang dressed in random costumes and heavy face makeup surrounded him with beer bottles and bats. Tommy Banks was believed to be brutally kicked, beaten, slammed, and left to bleed to death on the sidewalk.

Citizens are cautioned to avoid late night travel where possible.

Police beef up as street violence rises
The Dark Ridge Police Department has canceled days off on weekends for dozens of cops on tactical, saturation and gun teams in certain high-crime neighborhoods as violent crime reports have increased in recent weeks with the arrival of colder weather.
The extra officers will work overtime on their days off, patrolling violence-plagued blocks on the North and East sides, according to police sources and department-issued memos obtained by the Tribune. The additional manpower will work from 6 p.m. to 3 a.m. on Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays and Mondays.
The plan, called the Winter Surge Overtime Initiative, went into effect Friday night, the start of a weekend that saw 38 people shot, five fatally.

Gang steal 70 valuable S-S-S-S-S-S-S-SNAKES in ''professional'' hit on reptile shop

Thieves broke into a pet shop and stole 70 snakes including pythons and boa-constrictors. The "professional" gang got into the property in Rugby, Dark Ridge on Tuesday night before smashing vivariums and taking 40 baby pythons and 30 baby boas - all valuable. They damaged cameras and unplugged the CCTV recording system before stealing the snakes, believed to be worth thousands of dollars.
The gang ignored less valuable reptiles to steal the prized hatchlings and a couple of snakes kept for breeding purposes. Steve Mussard, who works in Rugby Reptiles, said the theft was a real blow, but praised customers and fellow pet shops that have helped out by providing some surplus snakes.“The police have said this is a professional hit. They have been stolen to order - they knew what they were getting was valuable.” said Steve. “They’ve stolen hatchlings apart from a few breeding royal pythons and they’re only three-feet long.” The snakes are not venomous or deadly and shop staffs are urging anyone who sees any of the hatchlings to contact them so they can be properly looked after.
“The damage to the vivariums was mainly glass being smashed,” Steve said. “It’s replaceable but it’s costly. The response has been fantastic though both from our customers and from other shops.” Incredibly the shop was open as normal on Thursday but with a reduced stock. Because so many of the snakes were bred by the owner of the shop, insurers are unlikely to cover the full cost of the break-in.
It could take a year to breed replacement stock. Police have asked if anyone has any information on the robbery to contact their crime stoppers hotline at 555-555-2547

Woman Slits Husband’s Throat, Claims She Was Dreaming About Filleting A Fish

A woman was accused of slitting her husband’s throat while he slept, claiming she did so while dreaming about filleting a fish.
Judy Jones, 44, has been charged with assault and attempted murder after attacking her husband in his sleep with a knife she used to slit his throat from ear to ear. She explained to the police that she did it while dreaming that she was actually filleting a fish, not her husband.
The attack, which happened last month, was interrupted by her 16-year-old daughter who called 911 saving her father’s life. She explained to authorities that her mother said she had been planning on killing her husband for over a year.
“She made threats that she was going to kill him,” Dark Ridge police detective Fred Abdalla said. “And she almost did early Saturday morning. So she’s been charged. The prosecutor handling the case got her charged with felony 1 and 2 for attempted murder and aggravated assault.”
Police believe that alcohol was a contributing factor in the attack. Her husband, Thomas Jones, is recovering from his injuries in Dark Ridge Municipal hospital where he was stitched up from ear to ear. Judy is being held in the city jail with a $500,000 bond and is to stand trial for aggravated assault and attempted murder.

Editorials: Article submitted by reader Rahul Basheer
In 2014, Dark Ridge is more than a city name; it's a metaphor for urban perplexity. The word simultaneously evokes a glittering urban sky-scrape of festive commercialism and a fetid, murderous underbelly.
More than a tale of two cities, those contradictory images reflect a perplexing refusal to recognize the connection of poverty to community dysfunction.


Chronic poverty is criminogenic; the links are thick and reinforced by rigorous scholarship. In Dark Ridge's communities, rates of violent crime correlate to poverty rates in ways that make that point irrefutable. There is little dispute that if violence prevention is the goal, reducing poverty is the most effective tactic.
But it's a tactic that would require enormous resources that we (Dark Ridge, North Carolina and the feds) claim we don't have. And even were the resources available (which they are, re: war, bailouts, bond sales, etc), it's unlikely that most Dark Ridgeans would be willing to expend them on compensatory programs for black communities.
But according to a major article in a recent edition of Telepath magazine, such expenditures are not only needed to help vitalize Dark Ridge's poverty-racked black neighborhoods, they also are owed to those communities as reparations.
The essay elucidates how this dynamic has produced wide, race-based disparities of wealth that manifest in the dysfunction now ravaging too many black neighborhoods. The author argued that the structural misdirection of resources from black to white communities since WW II alone is enough to warrant a compensatory program of reparations.
The author came late to this conclusion, but he now joins others who long have advocated for a systematic program of reparations as logical remedy for the race-based deprivations that obviously are the legacy of slavery and Jim Crow apartheid.
A program of reparations is the most effective way to reduce race-based social disparities, invest in a less criminogenic Dark Ridge and, incidentally, pay our enormous debt to a racist history.


CLASSIFIEDS:

Hunting Club
So you want to join a hunting club? The Crippled Coon wants you!
The Crippled Coon Dog Hunting Club is now accepting members for 2014/2015 Season!
Our club is a "Dog" Hunting Club in Dark Ridge, NC.

Pirate Ship for Sale!
Professionally built by two aging hockey players in the twilight of their relevance, in the backyard, in Golden Beach, MD. Many hours, beers and yards of knuckle skin went into the planning and creation of this wondrous vessel. Sailed over 3 death defying days from the Patuxent, through the Chesapeake bay to its final home at Port Tobacco Marina on the beautiful Potomac. Registered as a 44 ft vessel, she is Coast Guard Safety inspected and meets all Coast Guard specifications. From the tip of the elegant bowsprit to the tail of the pontoons she is about 56 ft long. Powered by the Rolls Royce of outboard engines, a 1986 115hp Mercruiser (tower of power) she cruises at a stately 6mph. Stereo system, LED lighting and a classy stripper pole finish off all the luxury accents of this glorious party boat.

Buy it to impress your friends. Buy it to piss off the neighbors, buy it to make the wife divorce you, just buy the bloody thing. Comes with a deluxe matching trailer that is way far from being road legal, but you're never going to trailer this diamond-in-the-rough anyway, cos it's too damn cool to be on the land. Guaranteed to get you laid. Be that guy that can turn to the hot chick in the bar and say, "yeah, I've got a pirate ship".

Pay full asking price and we'll throw in a genuine pirate hat and eye patch.

Seekers of the truth
I invite you to seek the truth of past and future. Open your eyes to find the way.

Missed Connection: I think I was kissed by a ninja...
There I was, taking a walk near the DR campus this gorgeous first day of the autumn season. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping and a soft breeze rippled gently through the trees with leaves just starting to turn...Out of the corner of my eye, I glimpsed a dark shadow that crossed my path, approximately 5'9" in height. The shadow blocked out the sun for the briefest moment in time, as I felt a slight pressure on my lips.
I think I was kissed by a ninja.
I know this is a long shot, but I'm hoping to find you.

Wiccan Family Temple
Spirit invites you to join us to worship the great goddess in our new home. The Wiccan Family Temple is now accepting membership, and we greet thee with open and loving arms. Please call 555-756-5234 for more information.
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